An Interview with the British Weather God
755.
Image by Justin MacIntosh from Pixabay. With thanks to William Essex.
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Yes, thank you. I’ll have a cup of tea, milk, two sugars. Ah yes, I don’t mind if I do — I’m rather partial to digestives.
Oh. Do you take your tea black? Good lord. Isn’t that rather… er…. continental? No lemon? I suppose that’s all right.
No, I don’t like foreigners. I don’t hate all of them, of course. I just find it uncomfortable to hear them talking foreign, you know?
What do you mean, I’d be a foreigner once I was on the other side of the English channel? Good lord. I suppose you’re right. Well it’s jolly good luck that I’ll never visit any of Europe. You can’t if you’re a weather god, you know. You start becoming unstable, usually somewhere near the Channel Islands, and you’ll become unrecognisable if you don’t get back home jolly sharpish.
Oh certainly. Fire away.
It rains a lot because there’s a lot of water in the air thanks to Gulf Stream. It’s got to go somewhere and generally, it falls on the western side of Britain where the clouds have to rise because of higher ground, moaning all the time, and so they get colder and then the water vapour starts condensing and then, pitter pat, lots of rain.
No, it isn’t because I hate Manchester and Birmingham.
I don’t know where you heard those rumours. I have the greatest respect and fondness for Gulf Stream and I hope she will continue to favour me…
Of course, she’s a she! Don’t be ridiculous.
Of course there are all those bloody Scandinavian weather gods, they’re always telling Gulf Stream she’d like it better further south and unfortunately since she is, I’m afraid, a bit ditzy, she might actually choose to move nearer the equator. Which would be curtains for me, I’m afraid, because without Gulf Stream the weather would get very Scandinavian.
Yes, I know that film makers hate me — they’re always complaining that I keep changing all the time so it’s impossible to film. How would they like having the same sort of temperatures as north Maine in the USA? Hm? Short summers, bloody cold winters. Below-freezing temperatures and that’s Fahrenheit, not Centigrade and Sven bloody Thor-son cycling in with his lycra and laying siege to my dear Gulf Stream.
Did you notice how cold the winter was last year? That was bloody Sven, trying to increase his territory. No, nothing to do with Gulf Stream… Well, maybe. I’ve told you she’s a bit flighty, bless her.
Actually I don’t think she was displeased at Sven’s attentions, put it that way. And what with me having to flood Wales and keep the drought going in East Anglia, I had my work cut out for me and couldn’t woo Gulf Stream cleverly or at all. Who would have thought that flowers were important?
Of course I always get the blame, not Sven.
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