Dear Algorithms
708. Possible trigger warning
This is a model of a duck-billed platypus which is not quite a mammal.
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I’m so sorry I upset you with my choice of picture for my post The Plan: part 2. I understand that you’ve been taught to ban any picture which shows people without clothes on.
Didn’t you know that the clothes can come off? I mean, it would be understandable if you didn’t. Even pictures of people in showers always have a huge amount of soapsuds, so how would you realise? It must have been a very nasty shock.
I have to tell you, my dear algorithms, that you have seriously offended me.
In two ways.
The first way is the picture I chose to illustrate my post. This was chosen from Pixabay. It had no adult content warnings.
It’s a rather beautiful Old Master paining by Botticelli (1445-1510) – ‘The Birth of Venus.’
I’m not going to put it up here – you can go and find it for yourselves. It’s currently in the Uffizi gallery along with a lot of other paintings by Botticelli and it’s extremely famous.
Now it’s true that Venus (in the centre of the picture) has no clothes on – though to be fair she is coming up from the sea after a slightly strange birth from sea foam and... er... something else which I won’t explain to you because I don’t want to shock you again.
Clearly it would have been much better if she’d been wearing a swimsuit or at least a bikini.
That way you wouldn’t have had to experience her n... I’m scared to use the word since you seem so offended by it.
I didn’t think to give a trigger warning and for that I apologise. I’m afraid it didn’t even occur to me.
Let’s call them ‘lactatory organs’ shall we? LO for short.
Tell me, dear algos (is it OK to call you that?), do you know what proportion of humans have LO’s?
Did you know, it’s about 100%?
Yes, that’s right. 100% of humans have lactatory organs. In fact 100% of mammals have LO’s. Now in most male mammals the LO’s are vestigial (no use, dear algos).
Female mammals have varying numbers of LO’s. Cats, for instance, have six. Just in case you didn’t know, human females normally have two of them, though some rare people have spare LO’s.
What are they for, you ask? Well this is part of the reason why you haven’t seen many of them and also a reason why I myself am offended by you, sweet algos.
The least important thing they’re for, is to please male humans.
The most important thing lactatory organs are for is to feed human babies. Yes, indeed. The lactatory organs you’ve been taught to fear are glands that produce ‘milk’ which is essential for feeding all mammal babies. Only females do this and a lot of humans don’t because it’s hard and messy and means you have to cuddle your baby every few hours which interferes with your work schedule. You can now get quite good pretend milk though.
I know, dear algos. I’m getting close to another ban because I mentioned cuddling (holding the baby close to you). Well I’m afraid that human babies need cuddling almost as much as they need milk. They die if they’re not cuddled.
So the LO’s you fear so much are really quite benign. Whew! Don’t you feel less stressed now?
Unfortunately, I am now offended. I nursed all three of my babies (this means I gave them milk from my own lactatory organs.) I found it very difficult to begin with but I kept going so my babies could have the best start possible.
I’m offended with you, dear algos, because I’m proud of the fact that I nursed my children myself. I didn’t use factory-made milk. It all came from me.
However you, dear algos, seem to think there’s something dirty about me feeding my babies, using my own lactatory organs.
Really?
How DARE you?!
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